


Ikissedcalebbrewster

by revengeandotherdrugs



Category: American Revolution RPF, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Tallmadge is a dork, Big Gay Panic (tm), I hate that my first work in this fandom is au fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Modern Era, Past Character Death, Relationship Negotiation, fun times involving parties, the author is in hell, they are dorky college students (or almost college students), they are not spies in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 02:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7415128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revengeandotherdrugs/pseuds/revengeandotherdrugs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Big Gay Panic™ Ben Tallmadge style featuring tropes from hell, nostalgia, more emotions than Ben thought he would ever feel and a very drunk Abe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ikissedcalebbrewster

**Author's Note:**

> My undying gratitude to the love of my life toosmallortootall on tumblr for the beta read and the screaming and for letting me pull her down into this trash pit with me.

Ben hated parties as a rule. Too many people in too small a space, too much noise and too much uncertainty. Yet somehow here he was - red solo cup of  _ something _ in his hand, hugging the wall and nursing a throbbing headache. It was oppressively hot. Too many bodies and too late in July. Ben’s shirt stuck uncomfortably to his chest. 

This whole situation was Abe’s fault really. Ben figured, without much bitterness, that about 90 percent of his life could be explained in that way - as Abe’s fault. It was their last summer before college - their last summer as children as Abe had put it. “come on man” he had whined, holding tight to Ben’s arm “we’ve never been to a real party and don’t tell me that  _ there’ll be plenty of time to party in college _ because we both know you’re going to be a complete shut in with zero social life”. Ben couldn’t really argue with that. 

So here he was. 

Abe could be pretty convincing when he wanted to be. Fucker. 

The party itself wasn’t anything  particularly special - a grand fete turned frat party thrown by a couple of faceless rich tourists with a giant vacation home, lots of alcohol and a vested interest in making sure the entire town of Setauket was as hungover as possible come morning. It was their way of showing their camaraderie, Ben supposed -  _ look we’re not outsiders! We throw parties in our designer living room! We’re one of the locals! _

Ben didn’t even know their names. 

He didn’t really care. 

Thomas, Abe’s older brother (Columbia junior, surfer and all around cool-guy) had driven them - Abe, Ben, and Ben’s brother Samuel - in his father’s big black sedan. They had all arrived together but Ben had lost Sam and Thomas and Mary in the crowd before they had even gotten inside the house. Abe had stuck with him long enough to get him a drink and laugh at him for looking so anxious but had run off at the first sight of Anna in the crowd. 

For the second time in three minutes Ben halfheartedly cursed his friend. He had only wanted to come because he heard Anna was going to be there. For all that he believed himself to be suave and secretive the kid was frustratingly transparent. 

For everyone’s sake Ben hoped Anna put out tonight, if only to spare everyone Abe’s moping in the morning. 

Ben took a sip of his drink and choked on it. It tasted like burning cat pee mixed with gatorade and some kind of acid. Fucking rank. 

Three well heeled girls he didn’t recognize tittered at him.

He took another swallow out of spite and scanned the room. 

No one he recognized. 

It wasn’t so much that Ben didn’t want to be seen here so much as he didn’t want to have to talk to anyone he knew. Not like Ben knew many people. 

He relaxed marginally, drinking a little bit more and trying not to let the taste get to him. If he was here he may as well get drunk. That was what parties were for right?

Suddenly he heard his name shouted out over the din of the music. His name again and then the nickname no one else called him. 

Ben’s heart rocketed into his throat, beating out a bird-like tattoo against his sternum. Hope or fear or excitement he had no idea.

This was why he didn’t go to parties. This was why he didn’t go out at all. 

“Hey tallboy!” Caleb Brewster was waving at him, ducking in between the seething sea of bodies to get to him, broad smile on his face, eyes crinkling up at the edges. 

He could duck away before Caleb reached him probably. 

“Hey Caleb” He said instead, hoping nothing in his face or voice betrayed his anxiety.

The boating life had treated Caleb well - he had grown into his features significantly though he still stood a few inches shorter than Ben himself and grown a beard to boot. 

Caleb had been a friend of Samuel’s, a year older. He had been a fixture around the house for some time and, unlike some of Samuel’s other friends, had always been kind to him. 

Caleb had been there for Ben when his mother died - or rather he had been there for Samuel - but he had held Ben anyway and let him cry and cry and cry. Ben had been 14, too old to cry really, but Caleb, unflappable Caleb, had let Ben get tears and snot on his shirt and had only held him tighter because of it. Caleb understood loss and he had let Ben have his. 

Something had shifted  after that- kindness turned into something greater, something larger, something beyond anything Ben wanted to think about. Kind words and playful smiles became meaningful glances and any excuse for unnecessary contact. Ben liked to tell himself that he had never relished those lingering looks or felt the phantom weight of those touches for hours afterwards. He liked to tell himself that he hadn’t relished every moment he spent alone with Caleb. He liked to tell himself that he hadn’t thought about Caleb in his bed alone at night. He liked to tell himself these things but the lies sat heavy in his chest anyway. He didn’t think about them.

It would perhaps have been easier to deal with if the feeling was only lust, if he could just sleep with Caleb and have it all go away, but Ben knew - in the way that a child knows that burning alive will kill them, innate and instinctual - that it wouldn’t be enough. He thought about Caleb in a sexual way sure - he lost track of the nights he’d taken himself in his hand to the thoughts of Caleb’s body and Caleb inside him and Caleb Caleb Caleb - but recently other thoughts had begun to crop up too. Caleb’s sleepy smile on the bed next to him, morning light coming in through the windows and gilding his eyelashes. Cooking breakfast together. Getting a dog.  sharing a house, a life, a bed. And sometimes, when Ben allowed himself to dream, rings and ceremonies and tossed rice and… no. He couldn’t think like that. That was wrong. People like him didn’t get to have those things. Ben would never have those things, not with Caleb and not with anyone else either. He was alone in his sin. 

Caleb had dropped out after his Junior year of high school to join the crew of a fishing boat and Ben told himself that he slept easier knowing that he would probably never see Caleb again.  

But now, three years on, Ben’s heart still leapt at the sight of him. 

Ben had forgotten the way he felt when he saw Caleb. He had forgotten - or rather buried this feeling. He didn’t want it

But here he was, Caleb Brewster, with his wind-weathered face and his smiling eyes and his playful mouth and  _ him _ and  _ him  _ and  _ him….  _

He pulled Ben into a hug before Ben could protest - beer sloshing in his bottle, strong arms wrapping around Ben’s shoulders. 

He smelled like smoke and the sea and safety. Ben melted a little. 

“How’ve ya been tallboy?” Caleb pulled back, holding him at arms length “Let me get a look at ya”

Ben did his best not to squirm under the scrutiny. His stomach did little flips as Caleb’s eyes roved over him. There was nothing predatory in his gaze, nothing overtly sexual, Just one friend appreciating the way the other had grown. But it left Ben hot under the collar all the same. 

He remembered with a pang of embarrassment that the last time Caleb had seen him he had been gangly and awkward and 16. He wondered what he looked like to Caleb now.  

“Looking good Benny, looking good” Caleb’s voice was teasing and appreciative, his solid hands around Ben’s shoulders a burning heat through the thin fabric of Ben’s t-shirt. 

“How bout we go somewhere a little quieter. I want to hear what you’ve been up to this whole time and I can barely hear myself think out here” Caleb took his hand, familial and platonic, and lead Ben, stunned, out through the french doors onto the balcony. The noise of the party faded into a bearable thump behind them. 

Caleb collapsed into one of the white wicker patio sofas and patted the floral-print cushion next to him. Ben sat down next to him, trying to keep as much distance between them as possible. Caleb sprawled, despite his height, and Ben had to make himself small in order to avoid him. 

“Wow” Caleb said, “Of all the people I thought I’d see here tonight…. “ He punched Ben’s shoulder playfully.

Ben was reminded, suddenly and with a wrenching stab of nostalgia, of all those nights that he and Caleb and Sam had spent curled up on the worn plaid sofa in the basement of the parrish house watching bad spy films, picking holes in the plot and throwing popcorn at each other. 

“So” Caleb said, crossing one ankle over the other knee, his thigh pressing easily along Ben’s “what’s the hot gossip” 

The phrasing was mocking but Caleb’s curiosity was genuine. 

“I want to hear about what you’ve been up to too” Ben said, finding his voice at last. “Looks like fishing is agreeing with you more than school did”

Caleb laughed, low and loud and happy. Ben wanted him to do it again.

“You can say that again. Not fishing anymore though. I’m with the coast guard now. Did basic in Cape May two years ago. They have me in Maryland for the most part, outside of Baltimore. I’m just an underling” He added at Ben’s impressed expression “But I get benefits and I’m out on the water most days so I’m happy” 

“Anyone special back in Baltimore?” The question was out of his mouth before Ben could stop it. He hoped the light out on the porch was low enough that Caleb missed his blush. 

Caleb took a swig of his beer “Nope” He grinned, “Forever a bachelor, thats me”

Ben took a huge swallow of his drink and tried not to bounce his knee and betray his anxiety. He had almost hoped that Caleb  _ did _ have someone back home. That almost would have made things easier. 

“Tell me about yourself though tallboy” Caleb elbowed him gently “I heard you’re on your way to Yale”

“Yeah” He tried to sound excited. 

“Sammy’s been gushing all over facebook about it. Acting all surprised... proud mind you but still surprised. I mean  _ I’m  _ not surprised, you’ve always been smarter than all the rest of us put together” 

Ben burned at the praise. 

“I wanted to go to Georgetown” He said, shrugging. 

Caleb laughed again, leaning into Ben a little bit.

“Only you Ben Tallmadge, only you would be disappointed to be going to Yale” Caleb was still chuckling. 

Ben had the sudden, lightning-bolt thought that Caleb would have laugh lines in his old age and that he wanted to be around to see them. 

“I’m not disappointed” He explained “I just would have preferred DC to New Haven”

“New Haven is closer to home though” Caleb pointed out “I’m sure your dad is pleased with that”

They lapsed into silence. 

Fireflies danced out in the darkness of the lawn. 

“Do you have anyone?” Caleb asked, softer than before “anyone special I mean. A girlfriend? Or…” 

_ a boyfriend? _

“No” Ben answered, awkward in the darkness, heart thumping anxiously. 

“Oh” said Caleb.

They didn’t look at each other. 

“You know” Caleb said “I’ve always been bad at knowing what I want” His tone was serious now, all trace of joking gone. “I went to high school because it was what was expected of me and I hated every minute of it. I helped out at my uncle’s orchard because he wanted me to inherit the business. I’ve gone through my life doing what other people expect of me because I’d never known that I ever wanted to do anything different” He took a swig of his beer “Then I dropped out of school and got on that boat and then I joined the coast guard and I realized that I could do things for myself and decide for myself and that maybe I had to come back home to fix all the things I did wrong last time” 

“Oh” said Ben, unsure where this was going. 

“That’s why I’m here” Caleb said “I want to make things right” 

“What things?” Ben asked. 

“I love someone” Caleb said “Have for years. Never told them because I didn’t even know what it was that I wanted until a year or so ago”

Ben’s stomach dropped. Of course Caleb was here for someone. Of course there was someone else. There was always someone else. 

“I didn’t tell them because it was strange. It was an odd thing to feel at the time and I didn’t know what to do with it. Hell I  _ still _ don’t know what to do with it and it’s still odd. I came up here four days ago to tell them but I’m leaving tomorrow and I still haven’t gotten up the courage and I’m not sure that I ever really will”

He paused. 

“Hey tallboy?” 

Ben turned to meet his eyes, trying not to look like his heart was breaking. 

Caleb leaned up and kissed him.

Ben had kissed people before (he had kissed Anna after junior prom in the parking lot while she tried to light a cigarette. For some reason it had felt like the right thing to do) but he had never been kissed and it had never felt like this. 

He had read somewhere that kissing someone you love for the first time should be like fireworks and fizzy candy and lightning. That it should burn and hurt so beautifully. 

This kiss wasn’t any of those things. 

This kiss was breathing and softness and coming home -  beer and honey and the scratching of a beard. 

Ben wanted nothing else. 

Caleb pulled away after a short moment, as serious as Ben had ever seen him. 

“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll get up and leave you alone and you’ll never have to see me again”

Ben wanted to scream. He couldn’t have this, he couldn’t. It was wrong and terrible and everything he had spent the last three years convincing himself he couldn’t,  _ shouldn’t _ , have. But he wanted it oh god how he wanted it. 

In the end he didn’t say anything at all, simply kissed Caleb back. All those years of built up longing all released at once into something almost violent. 

Caleb gave as good as he got, catching his teeth on Ben’s bottom lip and running over the spot with his tongue and tangling his hands in Ben’s shaggy hair. 

Caleb pulled him closer so Ben was practically sitting in his lap, curling his hands around the back of Ben’s neck and kissing him hard enough to bruise. His beard scratched at Ben’s cheeks, a glorious friction that sent shivers down Ben’s spine. 

Ben gasped back a humming moan when Caleb pulled experimentally on his hair. Ben was drunker than he had realized - things were hazy and beautiful and Caleb was so close and so real and he  _ wanted _ .

Ben was unfamiliar with the idea that he could want and that someone else could want him in return. It made no sense that anyone would find him worthy of wanting and yet… and yet… 

“Ben” Caleb said. He sounded breathless, happy, his eyes lit up with joy and something else, something larger. He was beautiful.

Ben loved him.

_ Ben loved him. _

He loved him he loved him he loved him.

Ben kissed him again, tasting the softness of Caleb’s mouth, high on euphoria, giddy with the idea that he could do this, that he could have this. 

He would have done anything Caleb wanted in that moment, he would have run with him down to a boat and sailed away, he would have lain naked in the grass he would have… he would have…

In the end it was his phone that broke the spell. A mechanical buzzing at his hip, a snap back into reality. 

Panic settled like a gunshot. A bayonet to the chest. 

Ben leapt from Caleb’s lap and halfway across the yard before Caleb could even call his name.

His lips burned, his cheeks burned. He was burning. 

“Ben!” Caleb called after him, broken and confused. 

Hellfire. 

Ben ran down the slope and around the back of the house, not sure where he was going, breath coming in short reedy gasps, panic surging in his blood. Adrenaline overload. 

_ What was he thinking? Anyone could have seen us. Anyone could have come by. What was he thinking? _

_ What was  _ **_I_ ** _ thinking? _

He was brought up short by a row of manicured rose bushes, skidding into the thorns. The scratches on his arms burned but they brought him back to himself a little. 

He leaned against the side of the house and tried his best to breathe, pressing his spine against the rough whitewashed siding. 

The fireflies glittered forlornly in the grass. 

He walked around to the front of the house, nearly running into Thomas’ car as he pulled it out of the parking space. 

Thomas poked his head out of the drivers side window. 

“Hey, Ben, we were looking for you” Thomas said “Selah and Anna had too much so I’m driving them home too so car’s all full. I can come back for you though or you can ride in the trunk” Thomas at least had the decency to look sheepish.

Ben felt a bit relived. 

“Yeah no, don’t worry about it” he said to Thomas “I can walk. It’s cool” The thought of getting in a confined space right now was enough to make him want to hurl. 

“Suit yourself” Thomas shrugged. Abe shouted something garbled and unintelligible from the back seat that devolved into giggles. Anna’s higher-pitched laughter joined his “Make sure they barf out the window” Thomas shouted to the other unfortunate resident of the back seat (probably Selah). He gave Ben a last searching look before rolling up his window and backing the sedan out into the street and away. 

The walk home was a short one, or rather it would have been had Ben been more sober than he was. He took a shortcut though one of the “pick your own!” strawberry fields, stumbling blindly over the low-lying plants.

His mouth tasted of sweetness and Caleb and his stomach was heavy with sin. There was something sickening about it. He hated himself. 

The worst part was the uncertainty. 

Ben’s father was a tolerant preacher as far as preachers go. He preached acceptance of homosexuality in the abstract - like some tin hat preaching about peace between aliens and humans. It was the principle of the thing really - it didn’t apply to him and Ben had no idea how he would react if it did. 

Ben wanted to scream. 

He made up his mind to never tell his father.   

He went to his brother instead.

Samuel was sitting on the edge of his bed toweling his dark hair dry and humming the harmony to one of the songs they had been playing at the party. 

Ben almost didn’t go in, almost didn’t say anything, almost walked past on tiptoe and went to his room instead.

“Oh hey, good you’re home. I was just about to text you” Sam’s bright smile was enough to make Ben want to melt into the floor and die. 

Sam’s smile fell off his face only to be replaced with a look of gentle concern “What’s going on Ben?”

Ben shut the door behind him and stood with his back to it watching his brother and trying not to cry. 

He felt terribly young suddenly, a boy sitting in confessional about to ask forgiveness for a cardinal sin. 

“Ben?” his brother prompted, concern turning to worry, rising halfway off the bed. 

“Ikissedcalebbrewster” It came out in a rush, a tidal wave of terror pouring from his mouth all at once. 

“What?” Sam didn’t look angry, only puzzled and even more concerned. 

“I kissed Caleb Brewster” He said again, slower “Or rather he kissed me… we kissed each other… I don’t know…” He wanted to cry. “I liked it. I like him. I have for a long time… and then I fucked everything up and he’s leaving tomorrow and never coming back and I….”

Sam hadn’t moved.

Ben braced himself for the punch anyway.

“Well” Said Sam, easily, setting down the towel “I can’t say I’m surprised”

Everything ground to a halt.

“What?”

It was like Ben’s brain was running too fast and somehow had stopped moving altogether at the same time. 

“You’re not… angry? That I might be…that I am...”

“Gay?” Sam raised an eyebrow “Ben, you told me how much you wanted to kiss Selah Strong in seventh grade remember?” 

“Oh” He supposed he had. 

“And I’ve known how Caleb feels about you for years. He took that job on that boat to run away from how he felt about you. He ran away because he cared for you so much” 

It felt like a punch in the stomach. 

“This is okay” Sam’s expression was sincere “This is all okay” 

“Oh” said Ben.

“So” said Samuel “You love Caleb. He’s leaving tomorrow. What are you going to do about it?” 

….

Ben didn’t sleep he dozed, too hot for dreaming. He tossed and turned himself into a knot of blankets and sweaty skin. When he did sleep he lost himself in fevered thoughts of Caleb; Caleb’s skin against his own, Caleb’s lips on his, Caleb’s hands on his thighs Caleb Caleb Caleb. 

He had had these dreams before but not like this. This time he knew what Caleb’s beard felt like against his cheek, knew what Caleb’s strong hands felt like against his scalp. He knew what Caleb’s lips tasted like. 

He had been given a slice of heaven and he wasn’t going to let it go. 

He woke before the sun with sticky sheets and the sudden knowledge of what he had to do. 

He ran to the ferry. Skidding on the wet grass, the day too hot and humid already even in the pre-dawn. His shirt was sticking to his skin and each breath feeling like breathing water. 

The ferry was already boarding, big loading bay open like a mouth, swallowing cars. The line of people stood off to the side a little ways. 

He spotted Caleb’s familiar idiotic sunhat with an overwhelming surge of relief. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Caleb had already left. 

“Caleb Brewster!” he shouted, careening down the hillside.

Caleb looked up, shielding his eyes against the sun. 

He smiled when he saw Ben, bright and beautiful. 

Ben loved him.

_ Ben loved him. _

He skidded to a stop in front of Caleb, breathing hard and grinning. Heart about to burst with love and love and love. 

“I….” He wasn’t sure what he had meant to say once he was here. Movies made this type of thing look so much easier.

In the end he settled for desperation, pouring out everything without regard for grammatical sense. Love called for the baring of the soul and Ben would split himself open for Caleb. “I’m sorry I ran away last night” He said, raising a hand to stop Caleb’s protest “Don’t say it’s okay because it’s not. You deserve better than that from me. What I’m trying to say is that I want this, I want you and I think I have since the moment I first met you but I’m not ready yet. I have to go to school. I have to figure this shit out and I don’t even know where to begin or how and I have to go out and start living my life before I can figure out who I want in it. I mean I want you… I’ll always want you but I can’t… I can’t…”

He was dangerously close to tears again, grasping at words that couldn’t do his feelings justice. He wanted Caleb to know, to understand exactly what Ben felt for him and just how long it might take for him to be able to be what he needed to be. 

Caleb saved him, pulling Ben into a tight hug and holding him close. It was safety and home and everything Ben had ever wanted without thinking he would ever get to have.

“It’s okay Benny” Caleb said “Go to school, make us proud. In four years I’ll come back for you and if you still want me after all that time we can figure everything out then” 

Ben buried his face in Caleb’s shoulder, tension that he didn’t even know he had had in him melted away. 

“What if  _ you _ don’t want me after four years” He sounded young and small and anxious and he hated it. 

Caleb pulled back to cup Ben’s face in his hands and stare earnestly into his eyes. “I will always want you Tallboy.” 

Ben wanted to cry but he kissed Caleb instead, out there in front of everyone. 

The ferry signaled the final boarding call. 

**Author's Note:**

> Few quick notes:  
> \- The song playing at the party is Light It Up - Remix but Major Lazer because reasons...  
> \- IRL Ben Tallmadge and Caleb Brewster were 7 years apart (Caleb was older) and I tried to shoehorn a little bit of that age difference in here.  
> \- In order to fix this age difference I made Samuel and Ben's age gap wider than he was IRL (so basically following show canon)  
> \- There is no ferry that leaves from modern day Setauket, I know this, my research knows this and I am ashamed. (there is, however, a Caleb Brewster Lane which in my mind more than makes up for the lack of a ferry)  
> _I will, someday, write worthwhile canon-era fic for these dorks however today is not that day.


End file.
